生まれ変わって　も抱きしめてね　夢の中でいいよ　私を愛して.

because someplace in the midst of not falling asleep, listening to cheesy power pop music, feeling empty about everything so far, and reading love stories that weren't supposed to remind me of us but still did, i'm mourning us and me and gripping that miniscule amount of self-control that i hopefully still possess so hard my hands are bruising, just to stop myself from cutting, to stop this empty feeling in my stomach, to tell my brain to not think anything anymore because my heart hurts and i don't even know why but i'm losing myself, i'm fading away, i'm stuck knowing that there are a shit ton of things to actually live for but left not caring and i just want not to exist right now.

why am i so jaded, what have i done.

with a symbol that's more you than me, and a rune that says fearless (which i sincerely hope works), i try today.

because if anything, you are a good and pure person, and a reliable friend.

payback, that's the least i can give--to be a good friend once and for all, to not be an asshat.

but that sinking feeling, it's there. only for you.

and oh how i've missed all our long-winded and eccentric conversations, i've missed them more than you'll ever know. nobody ever got me perfectly, all my quirks, the humor, the interest in strange things; there was never anyone who understood those completely until you.

and love. it's a great and wonderful thing. and it will always be here.

i have loved you since i was twelve. eleven years (and counting) is a very long time.

but cutting you off again is something i don't think i can manage, no matter how much i think of it as the ideal solution.

rather than growing old and saying "i wish i did this and that when i were younger", i want to try and live in such a way that i won't have regrets later on, even if it means being frowned upon by people.

so today, i try.

even a little bit of anything from you sounds better and far more tolerable than living the rest of my life not knowing if there was a chance that we could talk, even just as acquaintances.

i'll take anything, if it's you.

 

Nobody needs to know that the whole time I was sleeping, I was actually waiting for you to come.

Even with no words, it's fine. Just a hug to make me feel warm and secure that night.

So I'm saying sorry if I've rendered everything irrepairable between us.

If I've ever made you feel like I didn't want you to be happy, I didn't mean to.

But I’ll always be here…if you need anything. But you never need anything.