Feb. 10th, 2014 07:24 am
defiancebyfire: (丸田)
because someplace in the midst of not falling asleep, listening to cheesy power pop music, feeling empty about everything so far, and reading love stories that weren't supposed to remind me of us but still did, i'm mourning us and me and gripping that miniscule amount of self-control that i hopefully still possess so hard my hands are bruising, just to stop myself from cutting, to stop this empty feeling in my stomach, to tell my brain to not think anything anymore because my heart hurts and i don't even know why but i'm losing myself, i'm fading away, i'm stuck knowing that there are a shit ton of things to actually live for but left not caring and i just want not to exist right now.

why am i so jaded, what have i done.


Dec. 5th, 2013 04:43 am
defiancebyfire: (Default)
Sometimes the tears and heartache still wake me up, even though things are supposedly fixed now.

More often than not, I cry not because of you--I guess somewhere along the line I decided to stop doing that--but because of me.

It's terrifying, knowing that we can be a part of each other's lives again, and yet here I am, unable to piece myself together to love and trust another person enough to want to make the sacrifices I vowed I'd make for you.

I pretty much knew how jaded I'd been, but patching things up with you made me think I could at least find the strength and resolve to move forward; to be able to want happiness for myself.

Nobody can replace you, I guess, is what I have to accept. It scares the hell out of me, but you matter. You're the only one who matters.

If it isn't you, then anyone else will be fine. But it'll only be white noise. A step in life I'll have to ride on, something that's only worthy of "going with the flow".

It sucks, that you're the only exception. And that I may be permanently broken, at least for this lifetime.

Now I don't even know if saying I love you matters at all.


May. 30th, 2013 06:57 pm
defiancebyfire: (丸田)
with a symbol that's more you than me, and a rune that says fearless (which i sincerely hope works), i try today.

because if anything, you are a good and pure person, and a reliable friend.

payback, that's the least i can give--to be a good friend once and for all, to not be an asshat.

but that sinking feeling, it's there. only for you.

and oh how i've missed all our long-winded and eccentric conversations, i've missed them more than you'll ever know. nobody ever got me perfectly, all my quirks, the humor, the interest in strange things; there was never anyone who understood those completely until you.

and love. it's a great and wonderful thing. and it will always be here.

i have loved you since i was twelve. eleven years (and counting) is a very long time.

but cutting you off again is something i don't think i can manage, no matter how much i think of it as the ideal solution.

rather than growing old and saying "i wish i did this and that when i were younger", i want to try and live in such a way that i won't have regrets later on, even if it means being frowned upon by people.

so today, i try.

even a little bit of anything from you sounds better and far more tolerable than living the rest of my life not knowing if there was a chance that we could talk, even just as acquaintances.

i'll take anything, if it's you.



Jan. 22nd, 2012 06:34 pm
defiancebyfire: (Default)
I love you.

And I think I've gone crazy.

But I love you.

I'll forget you now, because I don't love you anymore.

I don't love you, and I'll move on.

Only maybe, I never really wanted to in the first place, and something's keeping me back.

Because I love, even when I say I don't and even when I try to forget you.

But I'm not crazy.

I'm just messed up. Because I love you.


Dec. 18th, 2011 01:18 pm
defiancebyfire: (丸田)
Nobody needs to know that the whole time I was sleeping, I was actually waiting for you to come.

Even with no words, it's fine. Just a hug to make me feel warm and secure that night.

So I'm saying sorry if I've rendered everything irrepairable between us.

If I've ever made you feel like I didn't want you to be happy, I didn't mean to.

But I’ll always be here…if you need anything. But you never need anything.


Nov. 16th, 2011 06:24 pm
defiancebyfire: (Default)
i'm fine with it. it was a love that seems to be fine like this
even though i knew you couldn't return, i want to be connected to you
it was the first time I felt this way
as time goes by we can still meet occasionally
because verbal promises were natural
i'm fine with it as well

this wish of mine which won't come true anyway
that you would fall in love with me again
such a transient wish of mine
today i want to meet you again

i'm fine with it. it was a love that seems to be fine like this
before I knew, you even refused to meet me

when i'm alone i start thinking
at that time, should i had rather forgotten(about you)?
but these tears are the answer, aren`t they?
i can't lie to my heart

it's almost scary that i can remember your smell, your action and everything
“Weird, isn`t it?”, please say so and laugh
even though we're separated, it`s nothing but you

i never thought that love would be so painful, that love would be so sad
i realized that i was serious about you

it's almost scary that i can remember your smell, your action and everything
“weird, isn`t it?”, please say so and laugh
even though we're separated, it`s nothing but you

you are someone inside me that i can't forget about, someone who offered me everything
even if you can never return anymore
right now it's only you, just you
nothing but you


Oct. 9th, 2011 09:49 am
defiancebyfire: (丸田)

Last night, I realized what I actually want.

I just want you with me.


Oct. 4th, 2011 12:12 am
defiancebyfire: (Default)
I want to try today.

I don't know if not saying it counts, but I want to try moving forward.

Not moving on; I know that term is not real.

The place you have carved for yourself in my heart won't change.

Only one thing is left to do if I don't want to spend more days just wallowing over you--create more space in my heart so that other people can fit, too.

It's a brilliant plan, right? Since you won't be leaving anyway.

So I'd like to try.

Good night.


defiancebyfire: (Default)

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